Hey there friends,
Wow it's been a month since I last posted. So much has happened, especially now that I feel good again. Hope you had a great month also.
My family took me on a road trip for the long weekend in September. It was time for Tas to go back to Johannesburg, as well as to embrace this time with positivity, gratitude and love. We, therefore, spent part of the weekend with my parents and siblings.
Hope you made some time for yourself also, just a small break to breathe, rest and spend time with loved ones before you rejoined the crazy rat race that we call life once again.
For me, initially I felt, rushed but I was also excited and a little nervous. It was the first road trip since April and post op. I found that the time out that I had taken to introspect and begin my healing process once again, had done me a world of good. This trip reinforced that setting boundaries does help me cope with my anxiety. I just need to remember when to stop though, because once out I tend to forget my limitations. Then suffer the after-effects at night.
Finding myself and inner strength has been amazing but taking the first step forward, felt quite daunting, because there is so much uncertainty about how it will be received. It took me totally out of you comfort zone. I think that it must have been one of the first times that my family heard me verbalize, how I felt (ie, exactly how I felt) when I wasn't feeling too good or had to leave. They were now seeing the true effects and limitations that my uninvited guest has thrust upon me.
Over the last 8 years there have been many highs and lows. I have also met so many people and had great experiences. Many have become good friends and some family. Deep down inside I don’t regret this journey. It certainly isn't a walk in the park. Yes, it is tough and painful and I feel old. It is difficult trying to be a good mom, and also be as strong as I can, it is painful waking up each morning and remembering that my guest is still here, and there are days when I just want to throw in the towel and say I have had enough I can’t take another step forward, but here’s is where I find the miracle or silver lining. Just when I reach that point when I think that I am going to break, something or someone enters my life, to show me that I can do this. I am strong and I can handle this. I am not alone and I am loved.
Each chapter of my journey has made me stronger, yes, the disease does take it's toll on my family. ...but my girls are also learning important life skills. They have learned patience, compassion, empathy, gratitude, love and kindness. They have learned, to appreciate the little things in life. Yes, of course, I wish that I can protect them from it all but, unfortunately, I can't. We, therefore, try to focus on the positives and what we can control.
We work so much harder as a family, we fight, we get frustrated and need space and time away from each other and sometimes say stuff that we don't mean. Apologizing for being super nasty after having a difficult day or few days. And being forgiven, and then smothered with the warmest hugs that says “you’re a pain but we love you anyway” somehow makes it all okay.
Looking back, I haven't regretted a single lesson that I've learned on my journey thus far. Taking care of myself first, because only when I am emotionally, spiritually and mentally strong can I take care of others and make a difference. ( still working on the physical part ☺️)
I had to accept the new me in order to move forward and make peace. I had to break the chains of the past that were restraining me from moving forward. I have to accept my new normal, and the only way to do this is by saying it out loud and believing it with all my heart...
THIS IS THE NEW ME AND I LOVE ME
Be kind always
Sending you lots of love and light